on death. part 1...?

i don't want to die. not yet. i know that's sort of an odd statement. but in india, it feels sort of like life is cheap and plentiful. that is, not meaning that the cost of living is inexpensive, but that dying is much closer than it seems to be in the west, and it's not such a great big deal, but a part of life. death is a fact. it is expected and inevitable. they say that the west has made it 'unnatural' to die. so that even though death is universal, it is a tragedy each time. i suppose we are not exposed to death as often. (although being in the hospital setting, that might change for me). and so not being around it, you don't tend to think about it or talk about it.
well, here, i feel like it is around a lot more. or maybe it's just circumstances and my situation that makes it seem that it is around a lot more. and that makes me think about it more. death and age and sickness.
i don't want to die yet. i have some things that i would like to do first. i don't mean a "list of things to do before you die" but unfinished business.
maybe i'm morbid.
maybe a 20-something year old shouldn't be thinking about these things.
and yet, during my time here i've seen 20-something year olds die. one minute they are here, then you go for lunch and the next they are not.

when i walked through the cemetary that day, i read the inscriptions that family and friends had put on the tombstones - things like "although she is gone, she will live on in our hearts" or some such thing. it isn't true though - and i don't know why we try to pretend that it is. memories aren't the same as people. you can't live on in a memory.
mostly though, there were not even those inscriptions, just names and dates, which i found to be even sadder.
i always thought that i would die young. did you ever read "little women"? do you remember beth? i always thought i would be like her. but i've found that i'm not quite done yet.
this has just been a jumble of thoughts, not cohesive at all - i'll have to think through it again.
maybe i'm morbid.